Finding My Matron Goddess: After 12 Years!

Hey there witches! I hope you are all well out there. Times are crazy right now, but those crazy energies have actually led me to discover my Matron deity after being a practicing pagan since I was 15, now 27.

For those of you new to the craft, when you hear the words Matron or Patron, we are typically talking about a specific God/des that has called to that particular witch. Witches work primarily with these deities, and they can be found numerous ways include (but not limited to): meditation, coming to you in dreams, and even just researching and finding a god or goddess you resonate with and meditating on them instead of meditating and trying to have something come to you. And this works for pretty much every witch/pagan/Wiccan I have met….besides me.

Now there were lots and lots of times I THOUGHT I had found them. I had connected closely to Egypt as a young lass, and thought Nephthys was my goddess. She wasn’t. I tried Epona, Oshun, Bastet, and Anubis. None of them stuck. I love them all, and resonate with their energies and I tried so hard to connect but the connection never lasted. So many almost sparks and sparks that made me think “I finally found her!” but it didn’t happen.

Let’s fast-forward until about last year. This is when I discovered Pantheism, and until I did my path was in a serious slump. Discovering pantheism became a breath of fresh air because I felt it released me from the restrictions I was putting on myself. I was so focused on saying God and Goddess and worshiping these beings I had no real connection with and Pantheism taught me that it’s okay to see the divine not as a being but just as energy. My prayers would always include “within me and all around me” which came from a Scott Cunningham, book but it truly resonated with me. For those who think Pantheism may be something they want to look into, you will quickly see it holds a lot of ideas that witches already have but they just didn’t have a word for it! Please look into Kelly-Ann, or TheFourQueens, on YouTube because she was who helped me have my major break through although she will never know what she did for me!

Okay, so now this past year I’ve really honed in on tarot and my witchcraft. Ive felt my connection to myself and the divine grow and has even led me to want to pursue writing about witchcraft as a career. I found yoga again as well, and it is starting to feel like all those years of study are just pouring out of me and I’m harnessing what I should have been doing for the past 11 years! But this was not without sacrifice. I went through extreme pain and hardship to get to this point and and entire career change which is not what I was talking about earlier. I have lost friends and watched someone I cherish suffer while I couldn’t do anything. I wouldn’t wish for any witch to have their breakthroughs like this, but sometimes that is what has to happen.

It was through hardship again that I was drawn to the energies of Nyx. A night the moon was waxing, my brain to seem to be growing more and more anxious. I was not able to get control of my thoughts, which has been happening more and more lately as the world gets more and more crazy (well, America at least). I grasped the ledge of the sink and whispered “Nyx help me” and I froze. My thoughts stopped because all I could think about was her, how I’ve never called for any deity like that unless it was planned out. It truly caught me by surprise!

So naturally I had to think…why Nyx? The only time I’ve really read about her was when I was reading ‘The House of Night Series’ and honestly, I didn’t really feel much of a pull. I looked into her as wanting to know more, but it really didn’t evolve more than that. But after researching her, I find her so perfect. As a pantheist, I don’t find it odd that I am drawn to primordial goddess energies. Nyx is the night the surrounds us, her veil holding the stars and the moon. Her sister, Gaia, is the earth that we stand on and that surrounds us. I find the pair of sister energies so perfect. And one thing I’ve wanted more than even Patron energies were the sister energies I missed out on at a very young age. I had been surrounded by all brothers, and I have sisters but never had the opportunities to really get to know them or be around them. And it was very hard on me as a child, and feeling those energies as an adult I find the comfort I didn’t even know I needed. I don’t see them as beings, but as what they represent. I feel their energies, and my path is even deeper in this past week and I can feel even more.

The lesson is, never give up. Just stay open, and continue to work on yourself. I was unable to be open to my divine connection until I had had major life altering events happen to me. Major changes in my craft that changed the very foundation of who I am. But that whole time I remained open and receiving to the call of divine energies. I look forward to learning more of them and deepening my connection as a Pantheist and Witch. Know that I am always here for you! Stay Witchy!

The Great Lakes Witch

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