Hello everyone! Alysa here, and I am very honored that you have stopped by my blog! I decided for my first blog post I wanted to go ahead and just talk about who I am as a person, so you have a better understanding of what may be on this channel. To be completely honest with you, even I’m not sure what is going to end up on here. This is a place where I can come and express thoughts and things that I learn about. I truly hope that by expressing parts of my path and helping to spread knowledge and wisdom, I can help someone out there. I am a: pagan, pantheist, witch, yogi, earth lover, tarot reader, crystal lover, and so much more. Thank you for joining in on my journey going forward. Like I said, this blog is for so many reasons, and one of them is to self heal. So this post, it’s part of that. This is my past. A overview of the choices and what I’ve done to become the woman I am today. I will try and keep it short for you guys, and for whoever reads this I truly appreciate it. My witch story.
Let us jump ahead to when I was about 14/15 years old shall we? I won’t bore you with the mundane! Up until this point I considered myself a pretty devout baptist. Since I was a little girl I would go to church once to twice a week. Youth classes on Wednesdays and mass/youth on Sundays. Quite honestly, I loved going to church (and find myself missing it from time to time even now). I was very active with the youth, and always looked forward to vacation bible school. Now, don’t get me wrong I could have done a lot better. I never read the Bible, and I would try over and over to start a pray journal or some other routine that would inevitably be dropped due to simple forgetfulness. But I did try and keep the lessons I would listen to in the back of my mind and I would have to have to say for the most part was a pretty good kid (as long as you didn’t judge me by my grades as least).
Now lets talk about me hitting that wonderful age of 14/15. These area always confusing times, and whenever I hear about hardships a lot of the time they start to really hit around this age. Well, my story is no different. Due to the troubles at home, I just couldn’t believe anymore. I was watching so much going on in my life, and in the lives of my friends. I spent months (as most of us do at that age) truly wondering how there could be a God if so much bad existed? I was in pain, and that pain masked a lot. For those of you going through a hard time, please reach out to me and I will be there for you! It seemed like things at home just grew worse and worse. I believe I was 15 when I finally would admit to myself that I was an atheist at that point. And content with it. I stopped caring about pursing a more meaningful life through god and just wanted to act like your typical teenager. My life would not allow me to be this way, however. So I struggled. I struggled with self harm and self hate, and hate all around me.
I want to jump forward, to the summer of being 15. The urges of churches and the ideas of a higher power came to me once more. I just couldn’t bring myself to believe anymore. I felt that path was missing something. I couldn’t even put my finger on it. One day, I remember so clearly, I was outside one afternoon that summer in my backyard. The flowers were in full bloom, and I gently had one in my hand. Then something sort of just clicked, and I wondered why there wasn’t a more feminine aspect of the gods. I remember thinking back to all the ones we had studied in school. Also looking back, Mother Mary was not a figure that played a role in my life and I’m sure that is what I felt I was lacking. But I knew in my heart that there had to be duality. There had to be a balance between feminine and masculine. I felt so happy, so excited. I knew it was a calling for me. And it was, because here I am over 10 years later creating this blog.
After this epiphany of mine, I went on a research spree. I found so much information, and it was pretty overwhelming. It was not until I went to school and expressed these feelings to a dear friend of mine that she thought I was Wiccan. From there, I blossomed. I jumped into pagan/wiccan YouTube, I read all the books the library had to rent out, and I just loved going on forums and talking to others about this. My mother didn’t take it very well, and things were pretty turbulent for some time (during this time I didn’t have any father figures in my life). I was on a high for years. I practiced spellwork, I had started an herbal garden and built up a mighty collection of items for my craft. And it went on like this for years.
But eventually, those feelings sort of flat lined. I had all these things and read all the beginner books, I must have been around 22? Honestly it all blends together. Maybe I was even younger than that. But I wasn’t really sure where to go. A lot of people I had been following on YouTube had slowly stopped to make videos, including myself. I had even jumped from channel to channel, just trying to find inspiration again. I did not realize this at the time, but this is when I should have started to do some shadow work! I could have really jumped into specific topics and really honed my skills. But I was also dealing with college, an on and off again boyfriend, and a lot of trials at home still. So I thought I must not believe anymore, and I gave up. My items collected dust and although my belief never went away, my practice did.
Then, when I was about 24, I felt I lost my faith again. I had unknowingly tied my beliefs with my relationship that I had talked about before. Him and I started talking because of these beliefs, and he really helped me grow. But because I had tied that to him, because I had leaned on him so much to learn on these topics when he left I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to separate those feelings, and I dropped them. Now, I would like to say I harbor absolutely no ill feelings. I did that, and it truly did help me grow as a person and I appreciate all things I had learned! But I spent years adrift. I focused on my job, school, and my new relationship. And although was never show a true reason to feel this way, I had always had a feeling in my stomach to not expose my path much. I held onto it for some time before truly showing it, because in the end that relationship didn’t work out. But from that, from holding it all in and never knowing where to take my path. Giving up over and over again. I felt I had all these years of belief but nothing to show for it. I never pushed my path the way I should have to truly see that spurt of growth.
I know that it seems that huge chunks are missing in this story, and there is. The reason is a lot of other people are involved in this story, but I feel I do not have permission to write about these people just out of pure respect to them. The end of the year 2017 to the beginning of 2018 is a whirlwind. I moved into my very own apartment (with a roommate, but for the first time was doing things on my own). I had a brand new title at my job, and worked up my way up the ladder. 2018 was looking pretty amazing for me, and for the first time I actually felt like an adult.
It was also that year that I finally had a dedicated altar set up again. I prayed daily, and gave offerings when I could. I had an apartment over small ponds that were absolutely beautiful and it really helped me get in touch in nature. I was able to practice yoga again, and these feelings and practices have only gotten stronger. My growth amplified by the knowledge I already had. I have finally found a partner that helps me grow, but have the knowledge to grow for myself. In 2019 I dived into the study of Pantheism and finally found home. For me finding pantheism gave my witchcraft a whole new reason, and my soul finally found home. I cannot wait to write about these different topics. Even at the age of 27 I am just now really springing into my growth. I have finally found my inner strength. And this is my story, my very shortened shorty, is to show that is it never too late for growth. It is never too late to explore areas of your life that you felt you could no longer get to. Never give up on yourself. Never stop growing and learning!
I hope my story can inspire someone out there. Again, please reach out if you do need someone to talk to! We are all connected!
Blessed be everyone, and Merry Meet!